apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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