Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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