normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
