I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
