Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
