i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
