from now on my penis is your penis
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
