my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
