I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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