almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
