Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
