He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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