Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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