I wish I could teleport
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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