She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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