Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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