First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
