I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
