I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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