What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
