I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
