My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
