U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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