i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
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Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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