OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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