Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
