if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
The best revenge is premature balding
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
