I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
