I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
