you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
