yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
