literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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