take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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