Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
