Buhtt sex?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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