I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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