It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
