we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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