The maid of honor just puked.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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