You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
