Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
