Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
