I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
