It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
