I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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