It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Never underestimate the power of titties
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
