I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
