New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
