I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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