Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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