if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
