he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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