but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
