i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm just crazy horny about you
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
