I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
