I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
