When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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