Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
