Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You took a bar mat shot.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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