every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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