I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.