weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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