Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
