I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
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on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
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I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills